The Trouble With Tweens

I've been without my laptop for about a week now, so I've been using Rosanna's. It's pink. Yes, I said it, I'm working on a laptop that my wife refers to as "Pinky." Luckily I work from the privacy of my own home. I don't think I'm secure enough in my manhood to sit in a coffee shop typing away on Pinky.

My daughter LOVES to use Pinky. I believe Elizabeth is the one that talked Rosanna into buying a pink laptop, not considering the fact that someday dear old Dad might need to borrow it. I just sat down to write my latest masterpiece ("write my latest masterpiece" means surfing the internet for the latest Mets trade rumors) and I was met by Pinky's new screen saver. It's Mario Lopez, from Saved By The Bell and Dancing With the Stars, topless and in all his "Oh look at my perfect abs" glory. Apparently he is my tween daughter's latest hunk of the month.

When I complained to Rosanna she just shrugged and said "He is a total beefcake." In an instant I went from being annoyed about the computer to being jealous about Mario. I haven't been considered "Beefcake" by my wife since November 1996.

In closing, remember guys - have a good computer repair person on speed dial or you could end up at Starbucks with a pink computer and a Mario Lopez screen saver. Enjoy your latte.

Happy 4th of July

Have a great 4th of July everybody! A big thank you to the troops and people who are put in harms way on a daily basis while I eat potato chips and attempt to be humorous. I can't even begin to imagine what they go through on a daily basis, but thank God for us they do. I'd also like to give a nod to my comedy brethren who have traveled into hostile areas to bring laughter to the men and women in uniform.

Battle of the Bulge

As my wife will confirm, I've put a few pounds on since the day we walked down the aisle. What I mean by "a few pounds" roughly equates to a Volkswagon under my t-shirt. I decided to battle the weight a few months ago. I'm happy to report that although I have lost a few battles to a bag of potato chips or box of Girl Scout cookies in the middle of the night I've taken a substantial portion of that Volkswagon off.

As I get older I find that it's a lot harder to lose weight. While I might have to run on the treadmill for an hour everyday to lose one pound, I can gain three by just looking at a Taco Bell as I drive by. I'm betting that you might also have a Volkswagon, or at least a Yugo, under your t-shirt as well. Unless you're my friend Jim who can eat all day and not gain a pound (I hear from good sources that a hit was put out on Jim at a Weight Watchers meeting by two disgruntled members). What I've put in writing here are a few tips on when to know that you've been putting too much weight on. I spent the better part of ten years on stage talking about these. I hope you find them helpful.

You Know You're Getting Too Fat When.......

10. You can jump in the pool and water the lawn at the same time. The neighbors lawn.

9. You fall out of bed and wake up in the basement.

8. You're the only guy on the softball team who wears a cup AND a sports bra.

7. In third grade during the hokey pokey you put your "whole self in"and squashed three classmates.

6. Your butt is so big the airline charges you for two seats, and you don't mind as long as you get two dinners.

5. You name your kids after things you like. This causes you to say things like "This is my daughter Little Debbie and my son Big Mac."

4. Every time you try mall walking you break training in the food court.

3. Cows start trying to tip you over.

2. As a child, in physical education, you take gymnastics. After you jump over the horse the gym teacher has to shoot it.

1. Your wife tells you to hurry home for something hot and steamy and you're praying to God that she means a beef stew.

I hope some of these have helped you. Now get out there and exercise. Avoid the food court!