The Show Must Go On

This past Thursday night I had the chance to see my son appear in the fourth grade spring concert. It was exciting for everybody except my son. Chris was upset that he had to miss his little league game against the Yankees that night and had no interest in playing the William Tell Overture on his baritone. I suggested to Rosanna that maybe he could play ball instead of baritone. With one glare from my wife it was obvious to me that any further talk of missing a school concert could result in my immediate castration, or worse (if there is worse - I hear from other husbands that there is!).


For those of you parents new to the game, I have managed to put together some basic advice on what to expect when you're going to an elementary school concert.


For starters, your child will have to wear a white shirt. I think that it would make more sense to let them go dark on the wardrobe. Black can hide pudding, chocolate chips, grease stains, and charcoal. By the time some of those kids get on stage their white shirts are polka dot. Somebody please alert every music department in America that if black was good enough for Johnny Cash it's good enough for the fourth grade band.



Make sure you arrive early. For a 7:30pm concert I suggest getting there at least a day in advance so that you can be first on line to get a close seat. No seat should be considered to close. One parent was very upset to hear that she couldn't sit in the french horn section.


Bring lots of clothes. You won't be wearing them during the concert, they are to be used for saving seats for your family members who are on their way. On each chair place either a jacket, scarf, hat, sock, whatever is available to reserve your seat. Be careful not to sit near anybody who has a big family as they may be in their birthday suit by the time they are done saving seats.


Do yell things like "WOO-HOO" followed by your child's name whenever you get the chance to. The best time is in between songs. Be sure to yell loudly as you will have to try to drown out that annoying applause.


Afterwards be sure to go to a local family restaurant with the rest of town. Every child that appeared in concert will be there with their family. Be prepared to wait a minimum of three hours for a table. There will be a staff of about two people working that night so it could take another 45 minutes for a glass of water after you collapse into a booth. Bring ear plugs. Even though the maximum occupancy will be 200 people it will sound like you're at a Giants playoff game. When leaving the restaurant take a moment to take in the scene of absolute destruction that has been left behind for the staff to clean up and tip accordingly.


In closing Readers, enjoy your kids concerts. Just promise me one thing - if you're going to scream "Woo-Hoo," please don't sit behind me. I hear there are some good seats behind the tuba player.


The Frazzled Father